Sledge quickly reaches down and grabs the diplomas. When he does, he also starts slipping over the edge. In a moment of clarity only seen in movies, Broderick looks at Sledge and Sledge realizes what is about to happen and knows there is nothing he can do about it.
Broderick: “Looks like this is the end, partner. As long as Redwoply is safe, I have no regrets.”
Sledge: “You were the best partner I ever had. You will be missed.”
Broderick: “Tell Warren Garrett that I’ll see him in hell!”
Just then Broderick lets go of the diplomas as he and Justin Micks plummet to the bottom of the gorge.
Sledge: “NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
After Sledge collects his thoughts and has his moment in Broderick’s memory, he starts back only to realize that something is missing…WARREN GARRETT! [bum bum bum (those were sound effects) – as lightning crashes in the background for no apparent reason]
Sledge (shaking a fist towards the sky): “I swear on my pure plutonic love for Broderick that I will not rest until Warren Garrett is locked away forever!”
Sledge arrives back at RHS to find that everyone: Connie Bockman, Calvin Talkins, Gosh Jovreau, Hyram Borrell, Mo Slickings, Donald Bison Troyer, Alvin McFunky, Gary Tinsley, Harriet Estes, Clark Hevenport, Bob Slackman, Erin Finneker, Natasha Jovreau, and Randi Britter are all waiting for him holding candles in memory of the one and only Broderick Berryman.
Calvin Talkins: “Sledge, we heard what happened and I just wanted to say…”
Gosh Jovreau: “That S.O.B. did it again, he disappeared.”
Hyram Borrell: “I know this is a tough time, Sledge, but you must stay calm and under control.”
Mo Slickings: “Remember, Sledge, tomorrow is another day.”
Donald Bison Troyer (speaking with one squinted eye gives Sledge a hug): “As long as you stay (hiccup) positive, things will turn out fine.”
Alvin McFunky: “In memory of Broderick, I’d like to play a song.” (Alvin breaks into a 42 minute rendition of Inna-Godda-Da-Vida on his trumpet and upon completion promptly passes out from exhaustion)
Sledge: “Thank you, Alvin. That was beautiful. It is important that we remember Broderick for all of the great things he stood for: his problem solving abilities, no-quit attitude, witty one-liners and much more. I promise all of you that I will not rest until Warren Garrett is captured and brought to justice. If we’ve learned anything from Justin Micks, guys like this will forever be a scar on the face of RHS.”
Bob Slackman: “Sledge, do you think Warren will be back?”
Sledge: “Not in my town”
A whisper is heard on the wind: “Not at this school”
Sledge strikes his most intimidating super-hero pose and stares towards the setting sun as he thinks to himself: “I wonder what Mo Slickings would look like in tights?”
~Fin~
As Sledge and Broderick pull up in the ISS-Mobile they see Warren Garrett, who appears to be dancing his way to the edge of the Gorge with diplomas in hand.
Broderick: “Son of a kooky kangaroo! It’s Garrett! I’ve got to stop him!”
As Broderick leaps from the car, Sledge can only watch and hope. (I guess technically he could have stopped the car, but that would really kill the excitement now, wouldn’t it?)
Broderick tucks and rolls with gymnast-like grace and runs near Garrett.
Broderick: “End of the line, Warren. I’ve got you now.”
Warren: “Oh, Broderick. Still trying to prove yourself, are we? Well it appears this time you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Prepare yourself!”
Warren charges Broderick and tackles him to the ground where he immediately puts him in his patented “Eagle-carrying-a-rebel-flag” sleeper hold. Broderick, thanks to that semester of self-defense he had back in junior college quickly reverses and pins Warren with his “Berryman Back-Breaker” maneuver.
Just as Broderick is about to apply the finishing touch when out of the corner of his eye he sees none other than Justin Micks running with the diplomas to the edge of the Gorge. Sledge runs up (after finally finding a parking place) and grabs Warren.
Sledge: “Warren’s going no where. Quick, Broderick, after Micks!”
Sledge quickly secures Warren to a very sturdy rock and they head after Micks.
Micks, wearing what appears to be a Darth Vader-esque mask, simply waves goodbye and tosses the bag of diplomas towards the edge of the Gorge.
Broderick runs through Micks and drives him to the edge of the Gorge. Broderick, Micks, and the diplomas tumble off the edge of the Gorge as Sledge can only watch helplessly.
Sledge quickly runs to the edge to find quite the predicament. But you’ll have to wait until next time for the exciting conclusion to…THE ISS BRIGADE!!!
Dear Sludge, (one final funny bad guy name pun)
Although this may appear to be just another step in my mission to turn this place upside down with what were for the most part harmless but very annoying antics, there is meaning behind this one. As my mentor Justin Micks once told me, take all you can without asking and the only thing you give them is hell. This graduation will be ruined and I will forever leave my stamp of evil on this place. That’s right, my friend, the end is coming and I’m going to be there when you go down in flames. If you think you can stop me, I’ll be waiting where things drop farther than Broderick’s hopes for a spin-off.
Stop me if you can,
Warren Garrett
Broderick: “Son of a jilted jungle cat. He can’t get away with this. We have to stop him.”
Sledge: “Right you are, Broderick. He must mean he’s heading to the Redwoply Gorge to throw the diplomas in.”
Slackman: “If he does that, the whole thing will be ruined. Those diplomas are special. They were signed, sealed and delivered by someone very special to this school. I can’t tell you who, but I can say that they are priceless. Please, fellas, help us out just one more time.”
Broderick: “As always, you can count on us, sir.”
Sledge: “We’ll have them back here safely in no time. Broderick, let’s roll.”
They jump in the ISS-Mobile and race off towards the Redwoply Gorge hoping to catch Warren Garrett and save the diplomas before it’s too late. Will they get there in time? You’ll have to wait until next time to find out on another exciting episode of…THE ISS BRIGADE!!!
Slackman: “No…this time he’s gone too far. (He grabs the red phone from his desk and hits the button) Sledge? He’s done it again. That’s right, Warren Garrett. Yes, I’ll be here waiting.”
Sledge and Broderick arrive and kick open the font door (just for effect and to show that they mean business).
Slackman: “It’s the diplomas, boys. They’re gone. He’s gone too far this time.”
Broderick: “Son of an incestuous iguana!”
Sledge: “I couldn’t have said it better myself. Don’t worry, Bob. We’ll have the diplomas back before graduation. We haven’t let you down yet, and I don’t plan on starting now. Let’s roll, Broderick.”
Broderick: “Sledge, wait. Look there where the diplomas were stacked. It appears to be one final easy to follow clue that will surely lead us to Warren Garrett.”
Sledge: “Well done, as always, Broderick.”
Broderick hands sledge the note…but you’ll have to wait until next time to find out what it says! Tune in again to another exciting episode of…THE ISS BRIGADE!
Sledge: “Broderick, I get the feeling we’ve been had. I have a horrible feeling we let the REAL Warren Garrett slip right through our fingers.”
Broderick: “Son of a hibernating hippo! I knew it. That other fake Mo seemed way too chipper. I should have known something wasn’t right.”
Sledge: “Hurry, back to the weight room!”
Sledge and Broderick arrive to find the real Mo Slickings hanging from the cable row gasping for air and his very life. They quickly get him down.
Mo: “It was Warren Garrett. He did this and he gave me this letter.”
Dear Sludge, (funny bad guy name pun)
Let this be a warning, I feel that my mission to turn this place upside down with what will be for the most part harmless but very annoying antics is coming to an end. No more Mr. Nice Guy (Alice Cooper Style). I’m through playing with you two buffoons. The end is coming for someone. Watch your back (Benny Cassette Style).
Condolences,
Warren Garrett
Sledge: “It looks like the fun and games are over. We have to put a stop to this at all costs.”
Broderick: “Whatever it takes, I’ll put an end to Garrett’s madness and return peace and civility to our sleepy little town.”
Mo: “Any chance you guys wanna help me get those weights back in their rightful place?”
Sledge: “Not in my town”
Broderick: “Not at this school”
Tune in next time for another action-packed episode of…THE ISS BRIGADE!
Borrell: “You boys probably should get here, you know, when ever you get the chance.”
Sledge: “What is it?”
Borrell: “Something’s not right, I’m worried about Mo.”
Sledge: “We’ll be there quicker than you can get ready for school in the morning.”
As the Dynamic Duo arrive at RHS, they head to the weight room to find Mo Slickings sulking in a corner, looking quite frail.
Broderick: “Mo, ole buddy, what’s wrong.”
Mo: “I don’t know how, but someone has stolen all of the weights from the weight room. Without them, my soul feels empty. I’m not sure I have a purpose. Please fellas, make this hurt that is lodged deep in my heart go away. Who, who could have pulled off such a dastardly deed?”
Broderick: “(sigh) “The same person who does it every time, meathead! WARREN GARRETT!” [bum bum bum (those were sound effects) – as lightning crashes in the background for no apparent reason]
Sledge: “Don’t you worry. We’ll get to the bottom of this in no time. There must be a clue around here somewhere.”
Broderick: “Sledge, look. It appears that in an effort to get the 100 lb. plates out of here, they were rolled through the grass leaving quite an easy trail to follow. Shall we?”
Sledge: “Well done, Broderick. Well done. Let’s roll.”
As the Terrific Two follow the insanely easy tracks of the missing weights, Mo Slickings sits in the corner looking quite dejected. How will this origami of ornery unfold? Tune in next time to find out in another episode of…THE ISS BRIGADE!
Nah, just playing. There is more. Keep in mind that this is the same Grandma that decided during a flood that sweatpants must be rescued and put on a hanger. It starts out about five months ago when my parents are having several family members over. I can’t remember why but it must have been Thanksgiving or some other “official” reason to gather the crazies. During this event, my Grandmother walks in carrying two “presents” for me in a bag. They are two old radios/CD players. One of them will not turn on and the other will only play the radio but the CD player part is broken. She hands them to me and tells me that if I can fix the one that does not turn on at all, I can have it. She wants me to fix the other one too, but she wants to keep it.
I know that she would be pissed if I told her it was a huge waste of time and that I don’t even want the awesome present she brought me. It is a broken as radio… But, I pretend to take a look and then tell her that I can’t do anything for them. She then says that I can have the completely broken one anyways. Thanks Grandma. I’ll be sure to hang on to it.
Fast-forward about to sometime about a week ago. Grandma decides she doesn’t want her radio/CD player that doesn’t play CD’s anymore. So, she takes it to Goodwill and just drops it off. She has some shopping to do so she decides to head on out and not browse through Goodwill. A few hours go by and she is finished wither her primary goal of shopping for new radios to break and decides that she wants to browse through Goodwill now. As she enters Goodwill this time, she notices the sound of music coming from one of the shelves. Intrigued, and possibly delusional, she wanders towards the music. When she arrives at the source of the tunes, she is shocked to discover that it is her previously donated radio/CD player playing a radio station. Shocked at how well it sounds, she decides she wants the radio after all. So, she does what any sane person would do; she unplugs the radio, picks it up and walks to the front register. However, this is where her course of sanity has deviated into the realm of insane. She doesn’t stop at the register. She keeps going to the front door.
With her new/old radio in hand and making for a smooth get away, a Goodwill worker asks her what she is doing. She says that the radio is hers, she brought it in earlier and now wants it back. The poor man is stunned and Grandma just keeps walking. She is now afraid to go back to Goodwill. My Grandmother just performed an “Indian Give” to Goodwill. Awesome.
Broderick: “Ha, old Garrett is starting to slip. This was the easiest one yet.”
As Broderick runs into the house, and before Sledge can stop him the house of booklets collapses on top of him.
Sledge: “Mother of God!”
Sledge summons his super-human strength and endurance and quickly digs Broderick from the pile of booklets.
Sledge: “Broderick, speak to me!”
Broderick: “Sheesh, settle down. It was only five or six hundred pounds of paper. You know that I routinely bench that for a warm-up.”
Sledge: “Right you are Broderick, my apologies. I just have had the feeling lately that Garrett is out to get you.”
Broderick: “Nonsense. Either way, I found this.” Broderick hands sledge a note.
Dear Sludge, (funny bad guy name pun)
You may have gotten the tests back, but you’ll never get me! Either way, you and everyone else knows these tests are just bureaucratic B.S. that is nothing but a scape goat for the system. This was just another step in my mission to turn this place upside down with what will be for the most part harmless but very annoying antics.
Better luck next time,
Warren Garrett
The Dynamic Duo shake their heads in disagreement as Randi Britter comes running up.
Randi: “Great job, guys. I knew you could do it. Now we can get on with these all-important tests. By the way, we are looking for two testers for the new tests we are developing. Are you guys interested?”
Sledge: “Not in my town”
Broderick: “Not at this school”
Randi: “How, how can this be?”
Hyram: “No worries, it’ll be alright. But we probably should call the ISS Brigade.”
As the Terrific Two arrive minutes later, they quickly look over the situation and know exactly what has happened.
Randi: “It’s terrible, who could have pulled off such a dastardly deed?”
Broderick: “Son of an elongated eel! Seriously, you people haven’t figured this stuff out yet?! It was the same person who does it every time, lady! WARREN GARRETT! [bum bum bum (those were sound effects) – as lightning crashes in the background for no apparent reason]
Sledge: “Don’t you worry your pretty little head. We’ll have this crime solved faster than you can shake a Polaroid picture. By the way, does anybody know what’s cooler than cool?”
***silence by the crowd***
Sledge: “Nothing? Nobody? Eh…
Broderick: “Sledge, look! It appears that there is a government paper trail leading to that strange house that we have somehow never noticed in any of our previous adventures!”
Sledge: “Right you are, Broderick. Let’s do it…you know, Ton-Loc Style? Nothing again? Jeez, help me out here people.”
The Dynamic Duo race off towards the strange house hoping to find the missing booklets. Will they succeed? Probably, but you’ll have to wait until next time to find out for certain. Same ISS time, same ISS channel.
Halloween 2009 at our new house meant that my wife and I had to be prepared. We knew that we were going to get trick-or-treaters and we were ready. The plan was we were going to hand out candy for about an hour or so and then we were heading off to a party. We figured that we would have a pretty good amount of kids so we stocked up with three of those big bags of candy. That would be plenty to pass out for about an hour and leave some for us to munch on. I guess the trick was on us….
As my wife and I are getting ready at about 4:45, our doorbell rings. We figured it was pretty early but maybe some kids just wanted to get a jump start on the competition. No problem. I walk to the door, open it up, and get stared at like my face is made of pineapples. Not even a whisper of “trick or treat.” Oh well, I give the brats some candy. That is when I notice the horror. I look up as the kids are walking away and up and down our street I see them. At least a hundred kids in the neighborhood. At 4:45 PM. This could get ugly.
Things were going good and I pretty much didn’t get to leave the front door after that. In about 20 or 30 minutes, the three bags of candy are down to the last jaw breaker or two. I didn’t even get a damn Reese’s! In a panic, I yell for my wife (to be at the time). ”You have to go to the store and get some candy!” Normally, I would have said we should just leave and go to the party. But it is about 5:00. Two hours before it starts. I’m not going to be “that couple” that shows up while the hosts are still getting in costume!
So, the wife obeys my commands and gets in the car. Remember the hundreds of sugared-up brats in each direction? Yeah. It takes my wife over 10 minutes to make it half a block through the crowd of people. Some of the parents have just parked their cars in the middle of the street. It is like a riot in our neighborhood.
While my wife is on a candy hunting expedition, I stay at my post. After about 15 minutes, my candy bucket is empty. I gave out my last piece and then had to go in to our kitchen and handout some of the cookies my wife had prepared for the party. I’m sure the parents of those lucky kids let them eat homemade cookies they received from some dude handing them out on his front steps…
After the cookies, I turn off my porch light, lock my front door, then turn out all the lights in the house and sit in a corner drinking a beer. I managed to grab my cellphone before completely loosing my mind to the fear of children egging my house and call my wife. She is stuck behind some old lady literally buying a cart full of groceries. From Dollar General. On Halloween.
Twenty more minutes later, my wife arrives back at home with a paycheck’s worth of candy. We hand that out for about an hour and then the crowd starts to die down. We then decide that is our chance to escape. I only cried twice and drank 3 beers in the corner during my battle against the goblins. On our way out to our car, the neighbor lady could obviously tell that was my first real candy passing out experience. She tells us that last year, she made individual little gift bags of candy to pass out. She ran out in the first hour. She had prepared 400 of those bags. Next year, the party damn well better start at noon!